[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
You Might Also Like
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
adam and eve had first world problems
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.