Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
You Might Also Like
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I hope it’s French Onion!
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Bike is short for Bichael.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?