Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
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If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
*looks at you in batman voice*
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.