Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
you gotta be faster
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.