HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
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toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going