My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
You Might Also Like
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.