My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I’m giving up for Lent.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
i was baptized in a car wash
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.