Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
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My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.