*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.