Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
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Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
translated into Canadian
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.