I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
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*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now