[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
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I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts