Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
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Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
no regrets
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.