if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Worth remembering.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware