My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz