The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
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Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators