Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.