Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
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When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
He’s cranky this morning
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?