“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.