911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
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Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Big Sex has us all fooled
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.