No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
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I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
work smarter, not harder
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it