angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
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Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
honestly, i need both:
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.