Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Brother?
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
guys I’m going home
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.