Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
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Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”