telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
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I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
😅😅😅
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?