A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.