Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
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Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what