Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
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Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.