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What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.