Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
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Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
This is the best one I’ve seen
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.