Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
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The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.