“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
asking santa clause for nudes
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet