I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
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Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?