replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
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If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake