Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
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guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I have so many questions.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Always…
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts