Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Carpe DM
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one