I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
You Might Also Like
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
If you know, you know