Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
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Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Someone just threatened to call me later
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable