“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
You Might Also Like
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Ion see the issue
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.