50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
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Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.