My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
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I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.