Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?