Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
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TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia