i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
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Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
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Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.