Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
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There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.