*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Sharon, call the vet
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle