my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
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I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?