*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
You Might Also Like
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.