WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
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Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠