Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
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I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.